And this is how I feel today…

 
I always let seconds turn into minutes and minutes into days and days into weeks and so on and so forth.
I always plan to start tomorrow…. or Monday… or the next Monday… and so on and so forth.
Sometimes I think about the past, and the “what ifs” and the “maybes” and the “if onlys” only to drive myself mad.
Often I wake up in the mornings and sort of, kind of, wish that I hadn’t.
That’s an ugly thing to admit, isn’t it?
I don’t say that with a hint of reservation. Nor do I say it with a single thought of suicide.
I say it because I’m tired.
I’m tired of running around only to end my days sheer exhaustion and having nothing to show for it
but a paycheck and dog shit on the floor.
Again, ugly…. but true.

 I can’t help but dream of the day that I can be creative and make money doing it…
Maybe we wouldn’t have to worry about bills so often….
Maybe I could go back to school if I wanted to.
It would simply be nice to have options.

I do not say any of this with an attitude of self-pity or heartbreak -
nor do I ever intend to discourage someone who is young and in love…
Or who doesn’t feel like school is what they want to be doing.
I say all of this because with every single day, I learn something else.
And it seems that the more “grown-up” I become, the harder everything else is.

 I wish we could fast forward three and a half years.

 And yet I can guarantee you that if we did,
I would look back in fifty years and do anything to get that time back.

 
This is what I need to focus on:

 Being thankful for waking up again
Having a husband that loves me even though I am crazy
Even more so, having a husband that believes we were meant for each other….
I’m not sure many people view love like that
Being able to see and read and look through a camera lens
Being able to hear and listen and speak
Not being allergic to animals….
because they are my children and bring so much love in to my life
Always having food on the table and in our tummies
Being employed… No matter how overwhelming fluorescent lighting is
Family and the joy that they are
Being an aunt for the first time….
And looking forward to that moment that I get to wrap my arms around Madison Joy
Education… I may not have finished college -
but I know a lot. Most of which I didn’t learn in school
Being able to create things
Being able to pay bills on time
Having health insurance and medicine available to me

 This is what I want to do:

Travel with my husband (Ireland, England, Hawaii, Seattle, Colorado, Italy, France…)
Continue with my photography… Hopefully doing it full time
Buy a house
Live somewhere else
Go to the gym everyday for a month
Love more
Gossip less
Listen, even when I don’t agree with someone
Work hard
Manage money better (Mint isn’t cutting it!)
Simplify. For real this time.
Stop comparing myself
Be more laid back and easy going…
Not always having a plan or letting my anti-social bad habits get the best of me
Be a better friend
Be a better wife
Have babies (one day…)
Love my job… no matter what it is
Bring joy to peoples lives
Invent calorie-free peppermint stick ice cream

Keep my room clean

Write more…. Because writing is truly the best therapy

 

i told you!

i had big plans for these:

was this written for us?

Don’t you worry there my honey
We might not have any money But we’ve got our love to pay the bills
Maybe I think you’re cute and funny
Maybe I wanna do what bunnies do with you if you know what I mean
Oh lets get rich and buy our parents homes in the south of France
Lets get rich and give everybody nice sweaters and teach them how to dance
Lets get rich and build a house on a mountain making everybody look like ants
From way up there, you and I, you and I
Well you might be a bit confused And you might be a little bit bruised
But baby how we spoon like no one else
So I will help you read those books If you will soothe my worried looks
And we will put the lonesome on the shelf
Lets get rich and buy our parents homes in the south of France
Lets get rich and give everybody nice sweaters and teach them how to dance
Lets get rich and build a house on a mountain making everybody look like ants
From way up there, you and I, you and I
Lets get rich and buy our parents homes in the south of France
Lets get rich and give everybody nice sweaters and teach them how to dance
Lets get rich and build a house on a mountain making everybody look like ants
From way up there, you and I, you and I

smoke in the sky.

the clouds are gathering nicely outside…
they look like they’re made from the thickest smoke in all the world.
they are beautiful to me today.
the thought of crying seems even more beautiful.
i feel so stifled as i sit here at the front desk of an office building where i work for hopefully “just a season”. i feel so tired and bland and average.
i keep thinking about the world.
the whole world.
and how many people there are out there.
people with real problems…. so unlike my own.
i get upset when things don’t go my way. i am selfish and rude and sometimes very mean spirited.
i have a temper that could put the devil to shame.
and yet… as i sit here… i am deflated.
i feel sleepy and yet at the same time i want to walk the streets and sleep under a bridge in order to wake myself up from my ridiculous view of problems and pain.
i want to curl up next to my husband in our bed.
i want to shut the world out.
i want the world to be happy and peaceful and beautiful for everyone – not just me.
i want to stop taking everything so for granted.
either that, or i want to fall asleep and never open my eyes again..
because nothing would be more unfair than being blessed with my life and not being thankful for it.

best monday ever!

john and i had originally planned on going to the beach for our big one year anniversary…
but since i ended up scheduling shoots for sunday, monday, and tuesday (yay!)
we decided to stay home and spend all day saturday doing whatever we wanted
(hanging out and going shopping)
and most of today doing the same :)
we ran errands and then met up with our good friend charles for a photo shoot (he needed some head-shots done for some stuff involving his hilarious comedy – which you should definitely check out… shows happen monday nights at coffee underground among other places throughout the week). charles is one of those people who doesn’t think he is photogenic but of course is.
exhibit a:
and then we continued our monday funday with lots of thrift store shopping goodness. we found so many amazing treasure, i couldn’t not post a blog about it ;)
please excuse the disgusting flash photography. it is dark in my house and i don’t feel like messing with it :P

first up, an amazing new chair to put at my computer desk so that i can plop myself into something that is actually comfortable as i sit for hours editing pictures.
yay yay yay. $10!
and then we have BRAND NEW naturalizer shoes. so comfy. perfectly red. and definitely only $4.
a lovely wine rack for all of that wine i keep telling myself i’m going to become a connoisseur of ;)
don’t worry, i have BIG plans for this baby – so keep an eye out.
$2 :)

fake cat. not to be confused with the real cat to its right.
another treasure that i have big plans for :)
.50!

a breadmaker! you have no idea how excited i am about this. i really hope it still works… still in the box with a $130 price tag.
yep. i got it for $5

vintage corduroy blue ottoman… teppei has apparently claimed this.
$5

so… do you have any idea how much i love vintage cameras?
both of these beauties cost me less than $2. i could cry with joy even still.

and lastly… if you or anyone you know is having a baby at some point in the near future – get excited!
i found these two amazing props for photo shoots that i cannot wait to use!
vintage highchair…. so adorable… hopefully i will be able to talk teppei into letting me borrow it…

definitely only $10!
and this vintage cradle:
i am planning on sanding and painting/or staining it… and definitely making a new “mattress/pillow” for it.
i am kind of thinking an awesome yellow geometric style fabric would be adorable and very unisex :)
i will keep you updated on my progress.

and there you have it. one of the most exciting thrifting days ever :)

sunday afternoons

are meant for spending with friends
are meant for crisp weather
are meant for long, lazy hours
are meant for pretending we’re somewhere else
are meant for secrets
are meant for playing dress up
are meant for laughing
are meant for eating more than we should
are meant for golden lighting
are meant for using coupons… confusingly
are meant for lessons
are meant for wine instead of grape juice
are meant for holding still
are meant for red lipstick and pink cheeks
are meant for capturing
are meant for remembering… and loving
are meant for making sure they don’t disappear with the sun

these days were meant for us

friday;

this week was one of the longest weeks in the history of weeks and i have no idea why.
probably beacuse i’m constantly exhausted and giving myself deadlines that make me all stressed out and crazy.
and then when i meet one of my ridiculous deadlines that i set for myself – i’m so happy and think “see? all the stress was totally worth it for this feeling of accomplishment.”
but i’m not sure that’s true.

i’m wearing jeans at work today because it’s “clean up day” and i’m pretty sure they’re cutting off my circulation.
i have to go to the gym pronto.
and i’m serious this time.
i don’t care how much i hate it – i hate feeling like an overweight hippo more.

this probably isn’t helping:

seriously – i’ve been to starbucks at least three times this week.
i mean come on – it’s literally less than ten houses down from my house!
i have to stop.
it’s too delicious and too expensive and overall just a bad idea to partake in more than like… oh i don’t know – twice a month?

so anyways. that’s life. the ramblings of a tired, hopped up on caffiene, overweight hippo.

let’s do something fun this weekend…
maybe we could go to starbucks.

dear rain,

i know that we need you.
i know that you make all things grow with life
and you wash all the dirt and heat away.
but when you come around, you make me sad.
all i want to do is stay in the bed and listen to you hit my roof.
could you just wait around until sundays from now on?
thanks.
love,
rachel

found.

remember when you took me to that one spot beside the lake and i wouldn’t kiss you because i didn’t know what to do. but we layed in the sand and you wrapped your arms around me and i breathed in your scent for the last time…
my dress smelled like you for a week and i couldn’t  help but wonder if i would ever feel this way again.
i was sixteen.

and then there was you… the first one who ever lied to me… the first one i ever gave a part of myself to.
i felt betrayed and belittled through only a month’s worth of conversations and hand holding and stolen kisses in your basement.
i was seventeen.

and then i met someone who was different… i felt a love for the very first time that i had never known before.
i felt safe and comfortable.
but i didn’t feel alive.
i didn’t feel that burning in my chest or those butterflies in my stomach that i knew i could feel.
i ran away from you and towards anything that would make me feel like the passion inside of me was something worth nurturing.
i was eighteen.

and then there was You…. the one who watched me through it all… the one who picked up every piece of my broken heart and healed me with your promises of what you had in store for my life.
there were times that i forgot about you… times when i wanted you to leave me alone; but you never did.
you were the one i wanted them to be like… the one i wanted them to strive after.
but i wasn’t like you.

do you remember when we first met? do you remember when you took me down those stone steps in the woods and promised not to kill me? i remember feeling your hand against mine and having a spark run through my entire body.
i remember the moment you looked at me without even a hint of fear in your eyes as i described to you my deepest of secrets in the dungeon of my heart….
i remember the moment i fell in love with you.

question:

is believing in something
                                              better than
                                                             not believing in anything?