thievery.

Isaiah 48:10

Do you ever think about life? About your lungs filling up with air and then letting it back out… in and out… in and out?
Do you ever think about how you see things in a way that no one else ever will?
I do.

Sometimes I try to be very still so that I can listen to the air. Whenever we are quiet enough – something is always being said.

I am not quiet often enough.

Do you ever think about your heart? About the way it aches and sinks and hurts?
Or what about the way it fills up with happiness, joy, and love?

I do.

Sometimes I think about my heart and I am overwhelmed. I have so much in there.
So much love and excitement… and so much hurt and ache.

Do you ever think about people? The way each one of us is unique and annoying and wonderful, all at the same time?
I do.

I think about you and you and you… I think about co-workers, friends, family, and the person driving in the car next to mine.
What goes on in their heart (and I mean what really goes on)?

My mind is a constant whirlwind of ideas and desires and hateful thoughts.
I am discontent more often than thankful for all that I have.
I guess because I am aware of this I better change it. Or rather, ask that it be changed.

Change.

I have a to-do list for my mind.
love more. hate less. be thankful. be hopeful. work hard. help people. encourage.

Or maybe that’s a to-do list for my heart.

Either way, I am small and broken and need a lot of help.
Help that doesn’t come from medicine or a giant band-aid.

I need help in the form of strength that isn’t my own.
I want to immerse myself in prayers and love and thanksgiving to my God – the only one who knows what is really in my heart and mind.
And somehow loves me anyways.

I feel so small and insignificant when I think about life and hearts and people.
I am such a small speck in this giant piece of artwork that God is constantly making more beautiful.

And then when I think about what I am capable of changing – only myself – I feel like a much bigger speck.
My refining will never even be close to finished.

But I continue to hope and love and pray that one day – maybe – I will look in the mirror and be proud of who I am and who I am becoming.
And I will look at you – and love.

But now we’ll never know…

Maybe I would have been
Something you’d be good at
Maybe you would have been
Something I’d be good at

cough cough hack cough

i am home sick.
i hate taking sick days – i would so much rather save them up and spend three solid weeks on an island somewhere.
oh well. i suppose there’s always next year.
i went to the doctor all by myself this morning and i have to admit – i’m pretty proud of that.
whoo! one step closer to being a real adult!

i’m tired but can’t sleep. i feel like i go so long without writing and then – out of nowhere – i want to write every thought that is in my head down at once. my mind goes a million miles a second and i can’t figure out where to begin.

{btw – i would kill my friends if they nominated me to be on what not to wear – stacy is a bitch!}

i can’t believe it is 2010. i feel like this is going to be a major year. i don’t know why. 2010 just sounds so epic ;)

i miss my husband today. i like snuggling with him when i don’t feel well. he is always warm and smells so good. i need to be better about telling him how meaningless my life would be without him.
he really is my best friend and the other half of my heart.

do you ever start thinking about the people you love and you feel overwhelmed? love makes me ache sometimes. like in a dull, slow, intense way. i think you know how much you love someone by thinking about how you would feel if they didn’t love you back. if you know you would still love them in an ache-y kind of way – it’s probably for real.

i want more real love in my life.

anything to make you smile

We’re reeling through an endless fall
We are the ever-living ghost of what once was

i think so.

i sent this to christina earlier. i think it sums up my deepest thoughts from the day…
maybe even the week.

notebook doodles.

if you haven’t seen this blog – you need to start checking out her work.
it is ah-maaaa-zing.

my favorites:

2009.

everyone is writing blogs or notes with this title.

all i can think about is how much things can change in 365 days.

discovered:

i found gluten-free brownie mix at the fresh market last night.
the picture on the box looked JUST like regular, delicious, fudge-y brownies so i was pretty excited.
after a dinner of  steak nachos (nacho chips are made with corn!) with homemade guacomole,
i busted out the brownie mix.
even coming out of the oven they looked perfect and regular-brownie-looking.
i even made fat free cream cheese icing to go on top.
the verdict:
after one taste i decided this: they should most definitely be called “poop brownies”.
perhaps this is not my most creative moment, but i think you get the point.
john, however, loved them.
blechhhh.

gluten free – day #2

after much discussion about the topic… and a little bit of arm-twisting from me…
john agreed to try out the gluten free diet with me for three weeks.
if we feel better when the three weeks is up, we continue. if we feel exactly the same, we go back to enjoying our wheat/rye/barley filled favorite indulgences ;)

i figured i would try my best to keep an update (in blog format) of our hilarious journey with gluten-free food for (at least) the next three weeks. my lack of knowledge makes even yours truly want to crack up when i turn down a snack at work because “i no longer eat gluten”…. i sound so pretentious!
but in all seriousness, to those who really want to know, i certainly don’t mind saying:
I HAVE STOMACH ISSUES.
i will let you decide what you want “issues” to mean.
i have been told by several people who no longer eat gluten that it can be the root of all stomach/intestinal woes.
heck yes – sign me up!
so yesterday was our first day – after a Christmas filled with tons of WHEAT – our stomachs were thankful.
i stayed home from work due to a long day of traveling on monday, on top of having a vicious cold that i had nursed with nyquil the night before.
after i drowsily awoke around 9:30, i decided to do my research.
i read about gluten and people who have allergies to it…
i read about my own symptoms and people who swore they went away completely once their diets were rid of gluten. after feeling somewhat armed with knowledge (ha. ha.), i headed to publix.

after TWO HOURS in the grocery store and viciously downloading a “is it gluten free” app on my phone for a whopping $6
i left with only these things in my cart:
three avocados
three blocks of cabot 75% less fat sharp cheddar
jennie-o turkey bacon
gluten-free oat cereal
(strangely identical to their comfort-inducing cousin, cheerios)
rice noodles
bananas
three instant rice noodle soup packets
strawberries
diet dr. pepper (i know, i know… i’m going gluten-free – not completely health conscious!)
fresca
milk
one red pepper
chicken breasts
organic teryaki sauce
broccoli
cat litter
my total? $65?!?!?! great. i hate gluten-free already.

by the time i got home i was STARVING. so. i made scrambled eggs with cheese, broccoli, and peppers. nothing had ever tasted more delicious :)

1.5 hours later: i’m hungry again. hmmmm. instant rice noodle soup. amazing. and only 170 calories.
i decide to start on dinner.
i found this recipe on a great blog where almost every recipe is gluten free. score!
the recipe was fairly easy except for the fact that my turkey bacon did not want to get crispy. finally – about 12 tries later – it was mostly crisp. i followed the directions and left dinner cooking in my crock-pot while i took a shower, straightened up, and began editing the loads of pictures i have from our trip home.

about 30 minutes into editing, i’m hungry again. this sucks.
i eat a banana (which is weird because i normally hate bananas).
when john gets home i put the rice noodles on to cook. once they’re finished i spoon up the cheesy/bacon/chicken deliciousness on top and we both decide it’s the best thing ever. yay!
a little while after dinner i start craving dessert. uh oh.
does dessert even exist that isn’t super cake-y and sadly, gluten-filled?
i eat a bowl of cereal with sliced bananas and strawberries. it was perfectly satisfying :)
and that was my very first day of eating a gluten-free diet.

today? i ate cereal with john this morning.
and at 10:30 i had a slice of havarti cheese.
right now i’m starving but determined to make it 15 more minutes before i break out the instant rice noodle soup.
now to decide on dinner….