!@#$%

i’m at work… two and a half hours down… two to lunch… six until i can leave.
that’s a depressing countdown.
my computer won’t let me pull up the system i have to use to do my job. i can’t do anything. i’ve emailed both my boss and the IT department with no response. and so i wait. it’s amazing how much slower a monday goes by when you can’t even do any work.

john came to visit.
he brought me presents:
yellow gerbera daisies, some pineapple, a card, crayons, and a photography magazine.
i love him.
it’s amazing how married i feel. both in a good and a bad way.
i’ve only been married for a month and i honestly can’t believe how much i understand the phrase “marriage takes work.”
it is truly about loving someone more than you love yourself, and that’s something i didn’t know i struggled so much with.
i am incredibly selfish.
i think about how many times a day i think about how something is going to affect someone other than me and honestly – the number is embarassing because it’s so small.
i’m not perfect, and i definitely didn’t marry someone who is ;]
but – (and this is a big but[t], like mine.)
i married someone absolutely perfect for me.
through all the fights, all the tears, all the words that are said without thinking…
i remain in love with this person. and although we haven’t been married ten, five, or even just one year…
i know that we’ll stay married that long (and longer)
because we’ve made a commitment that we take more seriously than over half of the people out there do.
we said to each other “i will let you down. you will let me down. but we are going to depend on something so much greater to fulfill us… to give us peace and happiness…”
because depending on each other for our happiness is some intense pressure that is beyond unnecessary.
i haven’t been doing so well with my part of the deal.
i depend on john way more than i should… i know that i need him… more than i need anyone else in my life… but i also need to remain aware of the fact that he cannot be god to me.
someone already has that job, and it’s up to me to recognize the real one for what He is.

i’m ready for something to change… in every area of my life. and i find it so interesting that as i’m waiting for these changes, i forget who is in charge of making them happen. ahem. yep. yours truly.
maybe if i actually get off of my ass and do something about my life i wouldn’t have to wallow in my misery and self pity.
i disgust myself.

i’m ready to move, i’m ready to do something that i LOVE for a living, i’m ready to be near my family, i’m ready to love my husband, and myself, more… i’m ready to change the world.

now. where did i put my cape and tights…

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About Rachel Halsey

i'm like a faucet that leaks, but there is comfort in the sound.

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