this is not a test.

ok, first of all – i will no longer be posting the pictures i take for people on this site – there’s a new one for that! go to www.heartonfilmphotography.wordpress.com if you care to keep up with those.

random note: my new cell phone looks like an ipod. it is not, in fact, an ipod. it is a phone. and i’m pretty sure i like it. at least ok. i’ve never been a super gadget-y person. as long as something works, that’s cool with me. i think i married someone quite the opposite. which is always interesting.

second random note: i had weird dreams all night last night… so weird, that i woke up and wondered if i had just done certain things, had certain conversations, looked up certain addresses online… yeah, it was one of those dreams. but it’s had me in a weird fog all day. thinking about my past, present, and future (i sound like one of those diamond ring commercials…) but in all seriousness – isn’t life and time so bizarre? certain decisions we make, certain actions, certain words, can affect us and so many others for so long, even forever, after. it’s scary. it makes my stomach hurt and my eyes feel blurry.
i want so badly to feel like i’m doing what i need to be doing in life.
and i don’t feel that way at all.

i feel like i’m waiting for “it” to happen…. and i feel that i should have already felt that.
i’m scared to do a whole lot more for fear that every single thing will make me feel less and less happy with my life.
and yet, i can’t exactly put everything on pause. or mute. what a wonderful ability that would be.

i’m constantly thinking about how life would be easier: if i made more money, if i had never met this person, if i hadn’t done that stupid thing, if i hadn’t moved, or taken that job, or loved so much… maybe – just maybe, then i would be ok. maybe then my chest wouldn’t always feel so tight and my eyes wouldn’t feel so watery.

or maybe i should just suck it up and take everything with a grain of salt.
stop attaching myself to people and places and things and feelings.
maybe if i could tear myself away from everything, and not let anyone get too close – then i would be able to see things from the right perspective. i would be able to be completely rational about everything and maybe i would be able to love myself for that.

probably not though.

i feel like a bucket of water that’s been poured out and left outside to brave the inevitable weather.
i feel empty.
cold.
and colorless.
sometimes i feel utterly and completely useless.
i don’t know how to make the difference that i want to. i don’t know how to bring joy into peoples’ lives… instead of heartache.
i feel like everybody deserves so much more than anything i can give.

maybe there’s an answer somewhere, but i certainly haven’t found it.
and believe you me, i’ve looked.

maybe the answer lies within the one place i’ve seen as forbidden. maybe it’s in the one place i swore i’d never go. maybe it takes something more to feel justified. to feel even. to finally be able to breathe deeper. maybe if we ran into people every time we went to the mall, or downtown, maybe then you would understand. you would care more.
maybe i could care less.

maybe one day this will stop eating me alive, from the inside out.

and maybe if it doesn’t… i don’t have too many options.

maybe if you had given up on me, i wouldn’t feel like singing this song and dancing this dance.

by the way – one day when i’m making lots of money – i’m going to decorate my entire house in antiques. maybe i’ll even own an antique store… or work on the antiques roadshow.

maybe one day i’ll find a home.

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About Rachel Halsey

i'm like a faucet that leaks, but there is comfort in the sound.

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