loving someone makes you question a lot of things in life… for me, love makes me question my sanity, my selfishness, my motives, my future, my heart, but mostly my life.
is love all you ever need?
i’m not so sure anymore.
i think you need so much more than just love, although it is definitely the foundation of everything else.
i need certainty, i need clarity, i need forgiveness and a savior from myself.
there’s such a long list of things that will make everything all better… like prayer and the bible and just not thinking about certain things can somehow become the epitome of a giant band-aid.
i think i had one of those once, and i ripped it off. i can still feel the sting of my decisions. the aftermath of that shitty glue i continually peel from my skin… it comes off in those gray colored balls of… stickiness. i’m so scared to cover my wounds with another band-aid. so scared that i will fail again and again and again, as i have so many times before.
i remember when we first met, and i first loved you, and nothing else mattered. and there was nobody else. i remember when it felt better to have you believing a lie. i’m pretty sure it didn’t hurt this much until i told you the truth.
there was no one else for me.
i hate myself for wishing i had never told you, because what kind of foundation is a lie?
i want nothing more than to love you more than myself… but again, i keep failing. and falling… and falling.
i want to feel the rocks beneath my feet, i’m so tired of this quicksand.
i am sinking.
and the only thing i can think to do is to stop fighting.
i hate fighting it, i hate fighting you.
nothing in my past will make me feel better, nothing in yours will, either.
i want to be what you need and what you want… i don’t want to be the thorn in your side like i am to myself… i want you to be happy. genuinely happy.
i want to know what it would feel like to wake up with a clean slate.
free of everything… free of anger, deceit, lies, resentment, failure, and mistakes.
what would that be like? to love like that?