snooze.

i’m not quite sure why the past three days have felt more like three years… i’m swamped with work, clearly explaining why i’m blogging at this time of day. jeeze. i’m such a useless employee.
but i honestly cannot wait to be out of this job. it’s so sad and pathetic that i could just not show up for a few days, and i’m nearly positive only one person would notice. she would call me to check in, hear that i was simply tired of work, and understand completely. she wouldn’t say anything to anyone, and that would be the end of that. it’s even more sad and pathetic that i’m whining about how nobody at work loves me.
newsflash, sweetcheeks: most people in life don’t love you, either.
i have a dreadful mind, sometimes. and i forget just how close i sometimes am to falling off the deep end.
yesterday, after reading all the details of the columbine shooting, i sat at my desk and literally could not think about one thing. i could not focus. could not smile, or even breathe, i’m pretty sure…
i looked out my “shower door” and swore a thousand times over that the stack of boxes right outside looked just like mona lisa. actually, it still does.
so what does this mean? i’m a hopeless, manic depressive… incapable of giving anyone the amount of love they truly deserve… incapable of being truly successful… or being in a job that i love. probably because i don’t have the patience for school.
i feel like sylvia plath had the right idea, sticking her head in the oven like that.
although i feel sorry for her children and, mostly, her cat. if she had one.
i wake up each morning groggy and tired of continuously waking up.
my throat always hurts.
maybe i’m sick? or dying? that would explain a lot.
i just wish something would happen. i wish my phone would ring… or that the light bulb above me would fall and shatter into a billion pieces. at least i would know the world is still moving.
that i’m not stuck in a horrible dream.
i feel alive for only a couple hours a day… usually when i’m having a conversation before bed with him. before he falls asleep and i lay awake for another thirty minutes trying to sort all of the jumbled thoughts in my head.
i imagine my head must be filled with something that looks strangely similar to all the necklaces on my dresser… the ones that are tangled and knotted and somehow connected to every other one. the ones john has to help me untangle before i can even think about wearing them…
everything feels so strange, and yet somehow so ritualistic. like i’m going through the motions… only i’m not sure it’s still me.
writing helps, but it offers no advice. no plans of action.
no comfort.

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About Rachel Halsey

i'm like a faucet that leaks, but there is comfort in the sound.

2 responses to “snooze.

  1. Elizabeth Oliver

    cheer up, charlie.
    i’m probably going to make you sock puppets for christmas.
    to take with you to work, of course.
    i love you.

  2. thahalsey

    i think you should publish this stuff. i think we all look for these little moments to feel alive when in our looking we overlook some of the best things. cheesy i know…

    i love you!

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