sometimes my throat feels hot… and it feels like there’s always a lump there.
sometimes i feel like someone could just look at me funny, and i would burst into tears.
sometimes my tummy aches for no reason at all… or perhaps it aches for a million reasons,
and i can’t seem to pick just one.
a few nights ago, i slept on our guestroom floor after failing at the attempt to hold back those annoying tears that seem to be “on call” whenever i need them. or especially when i don’t. i fell asleep after praying for the first time in… weeks, at least.
i hate myself so much for turning to god when i’m in trouble… or hurt… or terrified.
surely one day he’s going to get tired of it, and i’m going to reach my arms up over my head, like a five year old waiting for her dad to help her get dressed… and i’m going to feel nothing at all. and it will be just like it was before.
but i’ve been trying to talk to him more… rely on him more… even when things look like they won’t be looking up anytime soon, i’m actually listening to john when he says “things happen for a reason…”
but i still feel shitty. and i still feel alone most of the time. and i still dwell on things that i shouldn’t.
and i still feel like a lost lamb…. a lost cause.
i know i’m loved. more than i ever could imagine.
but what do you do when even that doesn’t help you fall asleep at night?
what do you do when you’re haunted by nightmares, and insecurities, and thoughts that you’ll never get it right?
i’m dreading christmas this year. i don’t know how to handle holidays without family.
i’m trying so hard to be excited… and i know john is glad he gets to spend christmas with his family…
i’m just afraid christmas is going to be the ultimate reminder… of everything.
i used to love christmas.
but right now i’m just ready for it to be over.
by the way – my kitty is home.
she’s scared and nervous all the time, and doesn’t really like to be held.
i have to give her a little baby pill twice a day because she’s sick…
she hides under my dresser.
i wish i was her size, because i would hide with her.