i put only one earbud in so that i could still vaguely hear the world going on around me.
i placed my thumb on menu and scrolled through the artists. i decided shuffling would be a good idea.
as the music began to drown out everything else, i strummed away on my keyboard and continued closing file after file after file… i finally realized i was working without thinking and completely captivated by the memories that each song i was listening to brought out of my heart and into the present.
i remembered exchanging numbers and letters and comments and silly gestures and staying up all night to talk about everything and sometimes even nothing. i remembered feeling my heart flutter every time i saw it was you calling, even though i had your breaks and lunch hour memorized and knew it was going to be you.
i remembered bringing you up to strangers for no reason. referring to you as “my boyfriend” before you even really were.
i remembered walking downtown and not realizing how cold it was… and standing on the bridge telling you things very few people knew about me… i remember wondering if i was going to regret things.
i remembered sitting as close to you as possible and purposefully brushing my hand against yours, trying to tell you it was okay. i remembered lying on your floor and kissing you for the very first time and knowing that we had something special…
I continued to remember everything, piece by piece, with each song that played in my ear.
i remember waking up next to you and everything feeling surreal and staying in bed until the afternoon and then going and eating french fries and chicken nuggets. i remember being so impressed that you opened every door for me, and offered to pay for anything we did. i remember liking you so much it hurt my chest to think about for too long.
i remember when i had to go home. and we had to spend two months a part even after i knew we were supposed to be together. i remember counting down the days. i remember still talking all night long… i remember wanting to say i love you but not being able to. i remember knowing that i loved you.
i remember staying at your house and smelling like incense and whispering at night so we didn’t wake anybody up. i remember moving in with my best friend and you always being there, because that was the only thing that made sense. i remember waiting for you to get off of work so that we could go out to dinner and talk and hold hands and finally tell each other how in love we both were.
i remember moving in together and making my parents so upset and not caring at all, because i knew we were getting married. i remember buying heavy furniture for no good reason other than it was old and cheap. i remember when we had to move it into the apartment in the pouring rain and laughing hysterically about how ridiculous i am and how much you loved me.
i remember driving to charleston in the middle of the night and stopping at a gas station where a woman thought the kid on your shirt was ours. and we pretended like we didn’t know where he was… we drank cappuccinos and listened to paramore and talked… we parked and walked to the beach just in time to watch the sunrise… we walked in the water and you stopped me and looked at me before pulling out a ring and asking me to marry you. i cried and we kissed and we had the grandest adventures and soaked up sunshine and walked through charleston and my feet always hurt but i didn’t care because i was so happy. i remember on our way home when we found oscar at a gas station in columbia and brought him home. i remember when he chewed up the door and hated it when we left him alone.
i remember planning our wedding and fussing over the most unimportant things. i remember knowing i wanted to get married in the fall and trying to figure out how we would pay for anything. i remember going dress shopping with ava and getting my first high limit credit card and buying the dress i couldn’t really afford but had to have. i remember waiting for october. i remember october coming and being around family. i remember knowing that we were doing the right thing and since we were going to be together forever, forever might as well start now. i remember walking down the aisle and seeing your face and loving you even more. i remember promising my life and love to you forever. i remember my mom crying when i danced with my dad. i remember going to lake lure for our honeymoon and not staying because we got too scared. i remember having to take oscar with us.
i remember fighting more and not knowing why… i remember things feeling like they were changing when really, it was probably just two stubborn people exercising every right they each thought they had.
i remember getting mail with my new last name… i remember looking for houses and trying to get out of our apartment. i remember more fighting…
i remember long talks about our relationship, about trying harder, and about loving more. i remember feeling better about us and i remember knowing everything would be okay. i remember moving into our new house and eating hardees on the floor of the empty living room. i thought about how you still open every door for me, and you still don’t let me carry anything heavy. i remember you offering to get me anything i needed, everytime you went somewhere. i remember you keeping the heat up higher, because you know i get cold. i remember you watching whatever i wanted to watch on tv. and i remember you not drinking when i didn’t want you to get too tired to hang out with me. i remember always using you as my personal foot heater. and constantly forgetting to say thank you.
i remember falling asleep beside you last night, and knowing that my life couldn’t be better in any way. i remember thinking about how lucky i am to be loved so much, and to love so much. i remember the feeling of your back against my cheek and your hand holding mine. the feel of oscar between us and a kitty beside your head.
and i have a song for every memory.