sometimes the noise of conversation and laughter and debate is exactly what you need to get your mind off of things you sometimes don’t even know you’re focused on. i like red walls, i think they’re inspiring. i also like it when i wear my red hat.
sometimes you don’t realize you’ve stopped caring about something until it’s too late. and then you have your friends who tell you it’s never too late. i’m not sure about much of anything anymore. it feels good to cry on a friends shoulder. especially if it’s a friend you’ve always been able to count on and know that you always will be able to. sometimes getting lost in the town where we both live is exactly the proper medication. and sometimes, just sometimes, going through shit together makes it easier. even if our worlds are very different.
sometimes i wonder about my mind… i don’t think i qualify for the normal “crazy” (oxymoron, much?) but i’m pretty sure i’m one of those people who exhibits only small pieces of her insanity until, one day, she goes over the deep end (whatever that means, anyway)…
and sometimes i dream about living in a cottage on a hill with a picket fence and a million flowers in the yard… and i think about what it would be like to have little children and dogs and cats and maybe even a bunny… and go on nature walks and wear big floppy hats and take pictures all the time and be genuinely content. not that those things will make me content, either… who knows. i guess i just want to feel like i’m really doing whatever it is that i’m supposed to be doing. i feel like i’m living someone else’s life…. like this isn’t who i was made to be. i just can’t figure out who it is that i’m actually supposed to be. it is absolutely the most frustrating experience of my entire life…
and then other times i listen to gregory and the hawk and i realize that every single time i listen to her, i can relate to what she’s saying. ever since my freshman year of college.
“Someday I’ll find the mind to mend it
and make dry these eyes I’ve gotten wet
cause it’s bad to do what’s easy just cause it’s easy
I wanna do what pleases me but I can’t
The oats we sow,
They could seed on forever with nowhere to grow
But the heart, we know,
When it’s askin’ it’s exact twin it will not be alone”
and i put the headphones on and tune out the noise… i can still see all the mouths moving and hearts smiling and i close my eyes, i’m alone.