i’m ready to get back in school. i miss learning new things. not that everyone’s not learning something new every day but, still. you know.
i miss creating things. i miss having an actual reason to go out with my camera and nothing else because a project is due in a few days. i miss not feeling like i’m always wasting time somehow.
things i don’t miss:
waking up for an early class.
getting mono because i stayed out so freaking late every night.
professors who liked making your life miserable.
english professors from china who were difficult to understand.
boys my age.
wondering how many other people had slept in my bed.
sharing a bathroom with bitchy girls.
not having a car.
it’s so weird when you enter into a new phase of life. it has always amazed me how sneaky these phases can be. one minute you’re in high school and then college and then on your own and then working and then married and then… well, you get it, i’m sure.
i know it sounds bizarre but sometimes i just sit and ponder how amazing it is that i can even ponder anything.
how ridiculous that i’m moving among millions of others, trying so hard to be unique and loving and beautiful when really, everyone is searching and striving for the same things. how crazy that i can open my eyes and take in the world around me… all the colors and sounds and lights and smells…. and i can close my eyes at the end of a day and block out the light and still see an amazing world around me.
i have the ability to be thankful and loving and peaceful and so often, i throw that ability out the window because of my selfish nature. i choose not to love people, i choose not to be thankful, and i choose not to be beautiful.
i am not alone in any sense of the word, though sometimes my mind plays games with me.
i know the joy that comes from being face down in utter realization that i am nothing, and that all of my “good deeds” are nothing more than filthy rags before a loving father.
i know that joy, and yet i choose not to live in it. why?
because somewhere deep inside of me, i have this idea that i know what’s best for me. you would think after years of my plans not working out, i would get it.
but i don’t.
i struggle every day with decisions and thoughts and even dreams that i should so easily place in hands much bigger and stronger than mine.
i am still a child, and i still cry when i have bad dreams.
and i am still in need of a love much bigger than anything i could ever imagine… and i am still in need of a god so holy, and so high, that he would choose to let me see the world, and smell the ocean, and hold a hand. and help me realize that i am nothing a part from him.
only a child in need of her father.