fine, i’m fine…. i’ll be fine.

why do i choose to torment myself seventy two percent of the time?

i’ve been having a grand old time… happy, content, lovely, etc.
and out of no where, i have to go and start thinking such horrible thoughts.
about things i’ve worked so hard to forget. about maybes. and what ifs.
maybe i’ve just been too busy to notice that it never goes away.
it will never go away.

i want to learn how to fly. i wish so badly i could leave my body and soar above everything and see what’s really going on. i would see how lucky i am… i know i would.
i wish i could paint the noises i hear and the dreams i have….
i wish i could know what it felt like to be a sound. to be water.
to move faster than time.
i wish i could be your favorite book. the one that you re-read every summer. sometimes twice. i would know what it felt like to be underlined and highlighted. i would be worn in all the right places, with tear stains at the best parts.

i forgot what it feels like to be alone. i miss being alone sometimes.
i miss feeling the need to write a letter, or make a call, or sleep it off.
i miss using up the entire bed.

thinking about forever makes me so tired…. exhausted.
we were made for eternity, but our bodies were not.
my head is aching and i’m hungry.
i wish you could meet me for lunch and we could talk about all of these things. and i could have a good cry. i think that’s what i need today.
a cry and a hug and a nap. and lunch. i really need lunch.

please don’t mistake my words for unhappiness. i am not unhappy.
in fact, i am quite happy. i am loved and mostly liked and i have a dog and a cat and know who i’m going to spend the rest of my life with.
most people don’t have that at twenty years.
i’m one of the lucky ones.

i guess i just sometimes wish too much for yesterday, yours and mine.
i wish too much to be someone different, someone more like you.
i need someone or something to make me feel alive.
alive in the electric kind of way.
so alive you don’t know if you’re dying or not.
and if you are dying, you really don’t care.
because you’re that alive.
i think i’ve only felt that way two or three times in my whole life.
and i live to feel like that again.

darling dearest, take me on a date and don’t stop touching me.
let’s drink a little too much and stay up talking about books and art and ideas and music. let’s lay down on the floor and listen to something we both like… instead of fighting over who or how loud it is.
let’s laugh and play and never grow old.
because remember that you’ll always be my boyfriend –
no matter how married we get.


About Rachel Halsey

i'm like a faucet that leaks, but there is comfort in the sound.

2 responses to “fine.

  1. hold, grab hold and hold on. and love well. do it, without fear. and give yourself space. alone.

  2. The last lines of this automatically made me think of that song “always be my baby” by Mariah Carey. I don’t really know why, since I’m not an avid Mariah fan.

    I completely get some of these feelings. We definitely need to have a girl talk session one of these days. And yeah, let’s bring that old 90s board game “Girl Talk” too, with the zit stickers.

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