And this is how I feel today…

 
I always let seconds turn into minutes and minutes into days and days into weeks and so on and so forth.
I always plan to start tomorrow…. or Monday… or the next Monday… and so on and so forth.
Sometimes I think about the past, and the “what ifs” and the “maybes” and the “if onlys” only to drive myself mad.
Often I wake up in the mornings and sort of, kind of, wish that I hadn’t.
That’s an ugly thing to admit, isn’t it?
I don’t say that with a hint of reservation. Nor do I say it with a single thought of suicide.
I say it because I’m tired.
I’m tired of running around only to end my days sheer exhaustion and having nothing to show for it
but a paycheck and dog shit on the floor.
Again, ugly…. but true.

 I can’t help but dream of the day that I can be creative and make money doing it…
Maybe we wouldn’t have to worry about bills so often….
Maybe I could go back to school if I wanted to.
It would simply be nice to have options.

I do not say any of this with an attitude of self-pity or heartbreak –
nor do I ever intend to discourage someone who is young and in love…
Or who doesn’t feel like school is what they want to be doing.
I say all of this because with every single day, I learn something else.
And it seems that the more “grown-up” I become, the harder everything else is.

 I wish we could fast forward three and a half years.

 And yet I can guarantee you that if we did,
I would look back in fifty years and do anything to get that time back.

 
This is what I need to focus on:

 Being thankful for waking up again
Having a husband that loves me even though I am crazy
Even more so, having a husband that believes we were meant for each other….
I’m not sure many people view love like that
Being able to see and read and look through a camera lens
Being able to hear and listen and speak
Not being allergic to animals….
because they are my children and bring so much love in to my life
Always having food on the table and in our tummies
Being employed… No matter how overwhelming fluorescent lighting is
Family and the joy that they are
Being an aunt for the first time….
And looking forward to that moment that I get to wrap my arms around Madison Joy
Education… I may not have finished college –
but I know a lot. Most of which I didn’t learn in school
Being able to create things
Being able to pay bills on time
Having health insurance and medicine available to me

 This is what I want to do:

Travel with my husband (Ireland, England, Hawaii, Seattle, Colorado, Italy, France…)
Continue with my photography… Hopefully doing it full time
Buy a house
Live somewhere else
Go to the gym everyday for a month
Love more
Gossip less
Listen, even when I don’t agree with someone
Work hard
Manage money better (Mint isn’t cutting it!)
Simplify. For real this time.
Stop comparing myself
Be more laid back and easy going…
Not always having a plan or letting my anti-social bad habits get the best of me
Be a better friend
Be a better wife
Have babies (one day…)
Love my job… no matter what it is
Bring joy to peoples lives
Invent calorie-free peppermint stick ice cream

Keep my room clean

Write more…. Because writing is truly the best therapy

 

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About Rachel Halsey

i'm like a faucet that leaks, but there is comfort in the sound.

One response to “And this is how I feel today…

  1. Hubbsband

    I’m in love with the amazing person you are now! I’m also super excited to see how we will grow and change together! I love you!

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