Isaiah 48:10

Do you ever think about life? About your lungs filling up with air and then letting it back out… in and out… in and out?
Do you ever think about how you see things in a way that no one else ever will?
I do.
Sometimes I try to be very still so that I can listen to the air. Whenever we are quiet enough – something is always being said.
I am not quiet often enough.
Do you ever think about your heart? About the way it aches and sinks and hurts?
Or what about the way it fills up with happiness, joy, and love?
I do.
Sometimes I think about my heart and I am overwhelmed. I have so much in there.
So much love and excitement… and so much hurt and ache.
Do you ever think about people? The way each one of us is unique and annoying and wonderful, all at the same time?
I do.
I think about you and you and you… I think about co-workers, friends, family, and the person driving in the car next to mine.
What goes on in their heart (and I mean what really goes on)?
My mind is a constant whirlwind of ideas and desires and hateful thoughts.
I am discontent more often than thankful for all that I have.
I guess because I am aware of this I better change it. Or rather, ask that it be changed.
Change.
I have a to-do list for my mind.
love more. hate less. be thankful. be hopeful. work hard. help people. encourage.
Or maybe that’s a to-do list for my heart.
Either way, I am small and broken and need a lot of help.
Help that doesn’t come from medicine or a giant band-aid.
I need help in the form of strength that isn’t my own.
I want to immerse myself in prayers and love and thanksgiving to my God – the only one who knows what is really in my heart and mind.
And somehow loves me anyways.
I feel so small and insignificant when I think about life and hearts and people.
I am such a small speck in this giant piece of artwork that God is constantly making more beautiful.
And then when I think about what I am capable of changing – only myself – I feel like a much bigger speck.
My refining will never even be close to finished.
But I continue to hope and love and pray that one day – maybe – I will look in the mirror and be proud of who I am and who I am becoming.
And I will look at you – and love.

to whom it may concern:

i’m counting down the days.
the minutes.
the seconds.
the time until i see you again. 

IMG_1112time is such a funny thing. 
we get older. we worry more. we worry less. we start to get laugh lines. we get more sleep. we get less sleep. we function.
we thrive. we move forward. we create. we survive. we work. we play. we play more. we play less. we pay bills.
we become rational thinkers(sometimes). we think about the future. we think about the past.
and most importantly: 
we learn to let the past go because there is no sense dwelling on things that cannot be changed.
so much lies before us.
so much that we can change.

[switch]bored.

the week of thanksgiving… (insert exaggerated sigh here)
thanksgiving has always been my absolute favorite holiday of the year (obviously followed very closely by my birthday) –
the smells, the golden color of the air, the trees changing a thousand different colors…
change.
isn’t it funny how sometimes you can love change and what it brings to your life and other times all you can do is simply loathe it.
i think i’m loathing change right now.
i’m not ready for thanksgiving… i’m not ready for the unsightly gray of winter…
the black skeleton outlines of trees marked by a colorless, foggy background of a sky.
how in the world does anyone not get depressed in the winter?

the only thing i’m ready for is the change in my heart to occur that i can’t seem to push into action.

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