Isaiah 48:10

Do you ever think about life? About your lungs filling up with air and then letting it back out… in and out… in and out?
Do you ever think about how you see things in a way that no one else ever will?
I do.
Sometimes I try to be very still so that I can listen to the air. Whenever we are quiet enough – something is always being said.
I am not quiet often enough.
Do you ever think about your heart? About the way it aches and sinks and hurts?
Or what about the way it fills up with happiness, joy, and love?
I do.
Sometimes I think about my heart and I am overwhelmed. I have so much in there.
So much love and excitement… and so much hurt and ache.
Do you ever think about people? The way each one of us is unique and annoying and wonderful, all at the same time?
I do.
I think about you and you and you… I think about co-workers, friends, family, and the person driving in the car next to mine.
What goes on in their heart (and I mean what really goes on)?
My mind is a constant whirlwind of ideas and desires and hateful thoughts.
I am discontent more often than thankful for all that I have.
I guess because I am aware of this I better change it. Or rather, ask that it be changed.
Change.
I have a to-do list for my mind.
love more. hate less. be thankful. be hopeful. work hard. help people. encourage.
Or maybe that’s a to-do list for my heart.
Either way, I am small and broken and need a lot of help.
Help that doesn’t come from medicine or a giant band-aid.
I need help in the form of strength that isn’t my own.
I want to immerse myself in prayers and love and thanksgiving to my God – the only one who knows what is really in my heart and mind.
And somehow loves me anyways.
I feel so small and insignificant when I think about life and hearts and people.
I am such a small speck in this giant piece of artwork that God is constantly making more beautiful.
And then when I think about what I am capable of changing – only myself – I feel like a much bigger speck.
My refining will never even be close to finished.
But I continue to hope and love and pray that one day – maybe – I will look in the mirror and be proud of who I am and who I am becoming.
And I will look at you – and love.

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3:01 pm

i just wish i would stop feeling so up and down all the time
and i really wish you would stop giving me reasons to hope, then letting me down
i really do want things to be better, i want myself to be better, because i’m so tired of trying, and falling, and failing

i miss the warm weather and bright nights
i miss the beach more than anything
i miss the uncertainty, and the innocence
i miss bullmoose music
and george
and my sisters
and my bed

and pretty soon, i’m going to forget who i once was, and who i loved to be

and i really don’t want to have babies for years and years and years

never thought i’d say it…

but i was hoping for snow today.

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