the trees are skeletons

cold days

colder nights

the wind is whistling louder than before… i listen

my heart is still heavy

i am always cold

the trees are skeletons and i smile at the irony of my similar heart:
bones of protection around something somehow still beating…

pushing me onward to something

anything

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And this is how I feel today…

 
I always let seconds turn into minutes and minutes into days and days into weeks and so on and so forth.
I always plan to start tomorrow…. or Monday… or the next Monday… and so on and so forth.
Sometimes I think about the past, and the “what ifs” and the “maybes” and the “if onlys” only to drive myself mad.
Often I wake up in the mornings and sort of, kind of, wish that I hadn’t.
That’s an ugly thing to admit, isn’t it?
I don’t say that with a hint of reservation. Nor do I say it with a single thought of suicide.
I say it because I’m tired.
I’m tired of running around only to end my days sheer exhaustion and having nothing to show for it
but a paycheck and dog shit on the floor.
Again, ugly…. but true.

 I can’t help but dream of the day that I can be creative and make money doing it…
Maybe we wouldn’t have to worry about bills so often….
Maybe I could go back to school if I wanted to.
It would simply be nice to have options.

I do not say any of this with an attitude of self-pity or heartbreak –
nor do I ever intend to discourage someone who is young and in love…
Or who doesn’t feel like school is what they want to be doing.
I say all of this because with every single day, I learn something else.
And it seems that the more “grown-up” I become, the harder everything else is.

 I wish we could fast forward three and a half years.

 And yet I can guarantee you that if we did,
I would look back in fifty years and do anything to get that time back.

 
This is what I need to focus on:

 Being thankful for waking up again
Having a husband that loves me even though I am crazy
Even more so, having a husband that believes we were meant for each other….
I’m not sure many people view love like that
Being able to see and read and look through a camera lens
Being able to hear and listen and speak
Not being allergic to animals….
because they are my children and bring so much love in to my life
Always having food on the table and in our tummies
Being employed… No matter how overwhelming fluorescent lighting is
Family and the joy that they are
Being an aunt for the first time….
And looking forward to that moment that I get to wrap my arms around Madison Joy
Education… I may not have finished college –
but I know a lot. Most of which I didn’t learn in school
Being able to create things
Being able to pay bills on time
Having health insurance and medicine available to me

 This is what I want to do:

Travel with my husband (Ireland, England, Hawaii, Seattle, Colorado, Italy, France…)
Continue with my photography… Hopefully doing it full time
Buy a house
Live somewhere else
Go to the gym everyday for a month
Love more
Gossip less
Listen, even when I don’t agree with someone
Work hard
Manage money better (Mint isn’t cutting it!)
Simplify. For real this time.
Stop comparing myself
Be more laid back and easy going…
Not always having a plan or letting my anti-social bad habits get the best of me
Be a better friend
Be a better wife
Have babies (one day…)
Love my job… no matter what it is
Bring joy to peoples lives
Invent calorie-free peppermint stick ice cream

Keep my room clean

Write more…. Because writing is truly the best therapy

 

sunday afternoons

are meant for spending with friends
are meant for crisp weather
are meant for long, lazy hours
are meant for pretending we’re somewhere else
are meant for secrets
are meant for playing dress up
are meant for laughing
are meant for eating more than we should
are meant for golden lighting
are meant for using coupons… confusingly
are meant for lessons
are meant for wine instead of grape juice
are meant for holding still
are meant for red lipstick and pink cheeks
are meant for capturing
are meant for remembering… and loving
are meant for making sure they don’t disappear with the sun

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IMG_4095these days were meant for us

monday, monday…

i would have to say that the mamas and the papas seemed to think monday was a better day than i seem to think it is. or perhaps they only thought it was an interesting song title/topic? who knows…
but yes – it’s monday again. thankfully today has gone by fairly quickly in comparison to some of my more recent week beginnings.
i’m finally starting to get busy with photo shoots… this weekend will be my very first weekend doing a shoot saturday and sunday. i’m excited.
i also have a couple more weddings booked which is always promising.
maybe one day i’ll actually get to do what i love for a living ;)

john starts school next monday. i couldn’t be more proud of him.
we’ve both known for a long time that the time to go back to school is now – before more debt or, perhaps more exciting, before baby halsey’s begin to surface (what a creepy visual…)
so maybe john will have a degree under his belt (creepy visual #2) before those big life changes start happening.
it’s also quite nice to see him so excited about something other than me
(yay for the most creepy visuals in one blog post!)
but in all seriousness – he’s going to do wonderfully and i can’t wait to see where he decides to let education and job opportunities take him.
he and some other cool kids have also started a pretty kick ass band and they’re planning on having a show sometime in september (details to come on that later) but i’m pretty sure greenville is in for a treat.
i should have titled this post “let me brag about my husband” but alas, i had no idea that was going to be my topic of conversation.
i’ve just been thinking a lot today about how amazing it is to know that you’re with the person you’re supposed to be with. even if both of you dated a million other people – you know that nothing compares to what you have, because if it did – you wouldn’t be together.
i think i’m beginning to realize that more and more and more.
it gives me a nice, peaceful, calming sense to focus on.
i think that anyone who is in love can testify that there is nothing like it
and even if you thought you loved before – when you’re with the person you’re going to spend the rest of your life with, every other relationship feels like a grossly long game of make believe – hoping beyond hope that it might possibly turn into the “real thing”.
i love that john and i both look back on past relationships wishing only that we could have known what was lying ahead. i think we both would have been more than happy to never even have gone on a date before septemeber of 2007.
we’re coming up on a year of marriage – and although marriage is hard and at times painful – there is nothing more rewarding than being married to your best friend :)

on another note – only two weeks until the grandest of grand family vacations.
i can’t wait to have ten whole days of nothing besides john time, family time, and perhaps most exciting: sister time.
i miss my sisters more than anything else in this world.
i’m so glad that on top of having gorgeous kids – my parents did a phenomenal job raising their children to be the best of friends.

i need more lunch dates with old friends… more coffee dates before work with kindred spirits… and definitely more summer evenings with my love.
i am in love with life right now. maybe for the first time in a long while.
i have friends, i have love, and life is always full of surprises.
i can’t wait for the next one.
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fine.

fine, i’m fine…. i’ll be fine.

why do i choose to torment myself seventy two percent of the time?

i’ve been having a grand old time… happy, content, lovely, etc.
and out of no where, i have to go and start thinking such horrible thoughts.
about things i’ve worked so hard to forget. about maybes. and what ifs.
maybe i’ve just been too busy to notice that it never goes away.
it will never go away.

i want to learn how to fly. i wish so badly i could leave my body and soar above everything and see what’s really going on. i would see how lucky i am… i know i would.
i wish i could paint the noises i hear and the dreams i have….
i wish i could know what it felt like to be a sound. to be water.
to move faster than time.
i wish i could be your favorite book. the one that you re-read every summer. sometimes twice. i would know what it felt like to be underlined and highlighted. i would be worn in all the right places, with tear stains at the best parts.

i forgot what it feels like to be alone. i miss being alone sometimes.
i miss feeling the need to write a letter, or make a call, or sleep it off.
i miss using up the entire bed.

thinking about forever makes me so tired…. exhausted.
we were made for eternity, but our bodies were not.
my head is aching and i’m hungry.
i wish you could meet me for lunch and we could talk about all of these things. and i could have a good cry. i think that’s what i need today.
a cry and a hug and a nap. and lunch. i really need lunch.

please don’t mistake my words for unhappiness. i am not unhappy.
in fact, i am quite happy. i am loved and mostly liked and i have a dog and a cat and know who i’m going to spend the rest of my life with.
most people don’t have that at twenty years.
i’m one of the lucky ones.

i guess i just sometimes wish too much for yesterday, yours and mine.
i wish too much to be someone different, someone more like you.
i need someone or something to make me feel alive.
alive in the electric kind of way.
so alive you don’t know if you’re dying or not.
and if you are dying, you really don’t care.
because you’re that alive.
i think i’ve only felt that way two or three times in my whole life.
and i live to feel like that again.

darling dearest, take me on a date and don’t stop touching me.
let’s drink a little too much and stay up talking about books and art and ideas and music. let’s lay down on the floor and listen to something we both like… instead of fighting over who or how loud it is.
let’s laugh and play and never grow old.
because remember that you’ll always be my boyfriend –
no matter how married we get.

new.

i know it’s monday, but today feels especially slow and methodical.
i just want to go outside and walk around… and pretend like i live in a big city where i don’t know anyone and they don’t know a thing about me, either.
i want new friends, a new job, and a new hair color.
i want new habits and new hobbies and no pets.
i want a studio apartment with no strings attached.
i want to drink coffee or vodka all day long and paint and write and work in a book or a record store.
i want to wear my glasses and no makeup and scarves and hats even in the summer. i want people to wonder who i am and i want boys to ask for my number only i’ll always say “i don’t think my husband would appreciate that” with a little grin and they’ll watch me walk away
and wonder why they hadn’t met me earlier.

i think in a way everybody wants this. maybe a few different details here and there, but the the same thing overall.
everyone wants to run away from their past.
or someone else’s past.
everyone wants to start over… in a big city where everything is new and nobody has an accent, including you.
everyone wants to sell everything they own and simplify, only no one really knows how they would survive without “stuff”.

i’m tired of being so tired. i’m sick of being homesick.
i don’t really want new friends, because i love my friends…
i guess i just want a new me. a better me. a happier me. a “moved on” me.
yes, that is what i want… 
and i still want everything to feel the same between us…
from in the beginning.

all these thoughts because of this from here:
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i wish…

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we hadn’t had to come home… and go back to work… and pay the bills… and balance checkbooks… and keep on breathing because saturday is only a couple days away…

“we should stay in bed for forever… gas bills and having to have work done to cars doesn’t exist when you’re in bed…
or we could move to Hawaii, and be be homeless in the summer…
but our credit card companies and my credit union might get kind of pissed if we just stop paying our bills…”
– j.

above all things.

i’m ready to get back in school. i miss learning new things. not that everyone’s not learning something new every day but, still. you know.
i miss creating things. i miss having an actual reason to go out with my camera and nothing else because a project is due in a few days. i miss not feeling like i’m always wasting time somehow.

things i don’t miss:

waking up for an early class.
getting mono because i stayed out so freaking late every night.
professors who liked making your life miserable.
english professors from china who were difficult to understand.
boys my age.
caf food.
wondering how many other people had slept in my bed.
campus security.
sharing a bathroom with bitchy girls.
room checks.
not having a car.

it’s so weird when you enter into a new phase of life. it has always amazed me how sneaky these phases can be. one minute you’re in high school and then college and then on your own and then working and then married and then… well, you get it, i’m sure.
i know it sounds bizarre but sometimes i just sit and ponder how amazing it is that i can even ponder anything.
how ridiculous that i’m moving among millions of others, trying so hard to be unique and loving and beautiful when really, everyone is searching and striving for the same things. how crazy that i can open my eyes and take in the world around me… all the colors and sounds and lights and smells…. and i can close my eyes at the end of a day and block out the light and still see an amazing world around me.
i have the ability to be thankful and loving and peaceful and so often, i throw that ability out the window because of my selfish nature. i choose not to love people, i choose not to be thankful, and i choose not to be beautiful.
i am not alone in any sense of the word, though sometimes my mind plays games with me.
i know the joy that comes from being face down in utter realization that i am nothing, and that all of my “good deeds” are nothing more than filthy rags before a loving father.
i know that joy, and yet i choose not to live in it. why?
because somewhere deep inside of me, i have this idea that i know what’s best for me. you would think after years of my plans not working out, i would get it.
but i don’t.
i struggle every day with decisions and thoughts and even dreams that i should so easily place in hands much bigger and stronger than mine.
i am still a child, and i still cry when i have bad dreams.
and i am still in need of a love much bigger than anything i could ever imagine… and i am still in need of a god so holy, and so high, that he would choose to let me see the world, and smell the ocean, and hold a hand. and help me realize that i am nothing a part from him.
only a child in need of her father.

re: this is not a test.

i am not the only one who has to deal with the decisions i make.
the decisions to be rude, or mean, or to not forgive, or to be so unhappy and miserable, or to dwell on the negative.
maybe there are a lot of decisions i could have made that would have made my life a lot easier. but they also would have meant i wouldn’t have gotten to experience life to it’s fullest, i wouldn’t have grown, i wouldn’t have known what real love actually felt like.
i would take all of the pain and heartache in the world if it meant i could keep what i have and what i’ve been given. i would go through every hurt and painful thing imaginable if it meant i got to keep the true love i’ve been given in my life.
i would die a thousand deaths if it meant my actions would never hurt another person.
especially the person i’ve chosen to spend the rest of my life with.
i would live in the middle of nowhere, without a posession to my name, not knowing a soul – if it meant i got to spend the rest of my life with john halsey.

these things are true. and these are the things in my life i’m going to choose to focus on.

this is not a test.

ok, first of all – i will no longer be posting the pictures i take for people on this site – there’s a new one for that! go to www.heartonfilmphotography.wordpress.com if you care to keep up with those.

random note: my new cell phone looks like an ipod. it is not, in fact, an ipod. it is a phone. and i’m pretty sure i like it. at least ok. i’ve never been a super gadget-y person. as long as something works, that’s cool with me. i think i married someone quite the opposite. which is always interesting.

second random note: i had weird dreams all night last night… so weird, that i woke up and wondered if i had just done certain things, had certain conversations, looked up certain addresses online… yeah, it was one of those dreams. but it’s had me in a weird fog all day. thinking about my past, present, and future (i sound like one of those diamond ring commercials…) but in all seriousness – isn’t life and time so bizarre? certain decisions we make, certain actions, certain words, can affect us and so many others for so long, even forever, after. it’s scary. it makes my stomach hurt and my eyes feel blurry.
i want so badly to feel like i’m doing what i need to be doing in life.
and i don’t feel that way at all.

i feel like i’m waiting for “it” to happen…. and i feel that i should have already felt that.
i’m scared to do a whole lot more for fear that every single thing will make me feel less and less happy with my life.
and yet, i can’t exactly put everything on pause. or mute. what a wonderful ability that would be.

i’m constantly thinking about how life would be easier: if i made more money, if i had never met this person, if i hadn’t done that stupid thing, if i hadn’t moved, or taken that job, or loved so much… maybe – just maybe, then i would be ok. maybe then my chest wouldn’t always feel so tight and my eyes wouldn’t feel so watery.

or maybe i should just suck it up and take everything with a grain of salt.
stop attaching myself to people and places and things and feelings.
maybe if i could tear myself away from everything, and not let anyone get too close – then i would be able to see things from the right perspective. i would be able to be completely rational about everything and maybe i would be able to love myself for that.

probably not though.

i feel like a bucket of water that’s been poured out and left outside to brave the inevitable weather.
i feel empty.
cold.
and colorless.
sometimes i feel utterly and completely useless.
i don’t know how to make the difference that i want to. i don’t know how to bring joy into peoples’ lives… instead of heartache.
i feel like everybody deserves so much more than anything i can give.

maybe there’s an answer somewhere, but i certainly haven’t found it.
and believe you me, i’ve looked.

maybe the answer lies within the one place i’ve seen as forbidden. maybe it’s in the one place i swore i’d never go. maybe it takes something more to feel justified. to feel even. to finally be able to breathe deeper. maybe if we ran into people every time we went to the mall, or downtown, maybe then you would understand. you would care more.
maybe i could care less.

maybe one day this will stop eating me alive, from the inside out.

and maybe if it doesn’t… i don’t have too many options.

maybe if you had given up on me, i wouldn’t feel like singing this song and dancing this dance.

by the way – one day when i’m making lots of money – i’m going to decorate my entire house in antiques. maybe i’ll even own an antique store… or work on the antiques roadshow.

maybe one day i’ll find a home.

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