cough cough hack cough

i am home sick.
i hate taking sick days – i would so much rather save them up and spend three solid weeks on an island somewhere.
oh well. i suppose there’s always next year.
i went to the doctor all by myself this morning and i have to admit – i’m pretty proud of that.
whoo! one step closer to being a real adult!

i’m tired but can’t sleep. i feel like i go so long without writing and then – out of nowhere – i want to write every thought that is in my head down at once. my mind goes a million miles a second and i can’t figure out where to begin.

{btw – i would kill my friends if they nominated me to be on what not to wear – stacy is a bitch!}

i can’t believe it is 2010. i feel like this is going to be a major year. i don’t know why. 2010 just sounds so epic ;)

i miss my husband today. i like snuggling with him when i don’t feel well. he is always warm and smells so good. i need to be better about telling him how meaningless my life would be without him.
he really is my best friend and the other half of my heart.

do you ever start thinking about the people you love and you feel overwhelmed? love makes me ache sometimes. like in a dull, slow, intense way. i think you know how much you love someone by thinking about how you would feel if they didn’t love you back. if you know you would still love them in an ache-y kind of way – it’s probably for real.

i want more real love in my life.

And this is how I feel today…

 
I always let seconds turn into minutes and minutes into days and days into weeks and so on and so forth.
I always plan to start tomorrow…. or Monday… or the next Monday… and so on and so forth.
Sometimes I think about the past, and the “what ifs” and the “maybes” and the “if onlys” only to drive myself mad.
Often I wake up in the mornings and sort of, kind of, wish that I hadn’t.
That’s an ugly thing to admit, isn’t it?
I don’t say that with a hint of reservation. Nor do I say it with a single thought of suicide.
I say it because I’m tired.
I’m tired of running around only to end my days sheer exhaustion and having nothing to show for it
but a paycheck and dog shit on the floor.
Again, ugly…. but true.

 I can’t help but dream of the day that I can be creative and make money doing it…
Maybe we wouldn’t have to worry about bills so often….
Maybe I could go back to school if I wanted to.
It would simply be nice to have options.

I do not say any of this with an attitude of self-pity or heartbreak –
nor do I ever intend to discourage someone who is young and in love…
Or who doesn’t feel like school is what they want to be doing.
I say all of this because with every single day, I learn something else.
And it seems that the more “grown-up” I become, the harder everything else is.

 I wish we could fast forward three and a half years.

 And yet I can guarantee you that if we did,
I would look back in fifty years and do anything to get that time back.

 
This is what I need to focus on:

 Being thankful for waking up again
Having a husband that loves me even though I am crazy
Even more so, having a husband that believes we were meant for each other….
I’m not sure many people view love like that
Being able to see and read and look through a camera lens
Being able to hear and listen and speak
Not being allergic to animals….
because they are my children and bring so much love in to my life
Always having food on the table and in our tummies
Being employed… No matter how overwhelming fluorescent lighting is
Family and the joy that they are
Being an aunt for the first time….
And looking forward to that moment that I get to wrap my arms around Madison Joy
Education… I may not have finished college –
but I know a lot. Most of which I didn’t learn in school
Being able to create things
Being able to pay bills on time
Having health insurance and medicine available to me

 This is what I want to do:

Travel with my husband (Ireland, England, Hawaii, Seattle, Colorado, Italy, France…)
Continue with my photography… Hopefully doing it full time
Buy a house
Live somewhere else
Go to the gym everyday for a month
Love more
Gossip less
Listen, even when I don’t agree with someone
Work hard
Manage money better (Mint isn’t cutting it!)
Simplify. For real this time.
Stop comparing myself
Be more laid back and easy going…
Not always having a plan or letting my anti-social bad habits get the best of me
Be a better friend
Be a better wife
Have babies (one day…)
Love my job… no matter what it is
Bring joy to peoples lives
Invent calorie-free peppermint stick ice cream

Keep my room clean

Write more…. Because writing is truly the best therapy

 

<3

this has become one of my new favorite websites.
i want john and i to start writing each other a note – any type of note – once a day…
in fact – john may have inspired this idea by leaving me a note and some fresh flowers on the newly cleaned kitchen counter last night.
(he loves me)
maybe we’ll keep them in a journal… or a notebook… or even on scraps of cardboard or napkins in a shoebox.
i have so many things i want to write to him;
i will keep you posted.

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i love my life

and my husband.

for texting me a picture of him wearing my favorite shirt of his:
0813091234a

of course, i had to say thank you:
0813091239a

last night before we fell asleep, we were having a very un-romantic conversation (the topic of which i will spare you from knowing)… but john ended the conversation simply saying “aw, baby… i just always want you to be yourself.”
and i knew that he meant it.
and i can’t think of anything more lovely… than being able to be completely comfortable, completely yourself, and completely silly around the person you love.

and it’s always a nice gesture to where that shirt that you know they love.

perhaps tonight i’ll wear that tank top to bed that john likes so much
(TMI alert!)
=P

fine.

fine, i’m fine…. i’ll be fine.

why do i choose to torment myself seventy two percent of the time?

i’ve been having a grand old time… happy, content, lovely, etc.
and out of no where, i have to go and start thinking such horrible thoughts.
about things i’ve worked so hard to forget. about maybes. and what ifs.
maybe i’ve just been too busy to notice that it never goes away.
it will never go away.

i want to learn how to fly. i wish so badly i could leave my body and soar above everything and see what’s really going on. i would see how lucky i am… i know i would.
i wish i could paint the noises i hear and the dreams i have….
i wish i could know what it felt like to be a sound. to be water.
to move faster than time.
i wish i could be your favorite book. the one that you re-read every summer. sometimes twice. i would know what it felt like to be underlined and highlighted. i would be worn in all the right places, with tear stains at the best parts.

i forgot what it feels like to be alone. i miss being alone sometimes.
i miss feeling the need to write a letter, or make a call, or sleep it off.
i miss using up the entire bed.

thinking about forever makes me so tired…. exhausted.
we were made for eternity, but our bodies were not.
my head is aching and i’m hungry.
i wish you could meet me for lunch and we could talk about all of these things. and i could have a good cry. i think that’s what i need today.
a cry and a hug and a nap. and lunch. i really need lunch.

please don’t mistake my words for unhappiness. i am not unhappy.
in fact, i am quite happy. i am loved and mostly liked and i have a dog and a cat and know who i’m going to spend the rest of my life with.
most people don’t have that at twenty years.
i’m one of the lucky ones.

i guess i just sometimes wish too much for yesterday, yours and mine.
i wish too much to be someone different, someone more like you.
i need someone or something to make me feel alive.
alive in the electric kind of way.
so alive you don’t know if you’re dying or not.
and if you are dying, you really don’t care.
because you’re that alive.
i think i’ve only felt that way two or three times in my whole life.
and i live to feel like that again.

darling dearest, take me on a date and don’t stop touching me.
let’s drink a little too much and stay up talking about books and art and ideas and music. let’s lay down on the floor and listen to something we both like… instead of fighting over who or how loud it is.
let’s laugh and play and never grow old.
because remember that you’ll always be my boyfriend –
no matter how married we get.

the good life.

good things in my life:

a.) my car was found! dear old bruce is now safely back in my possesion with little to no damage reported!
hopefully we will have many more adventures:
bruce2

b.) as of today it has been six months since john and i got married. that’s almost 200 days of waking up and falling asleep beside the same person. and i couldn’t be happier :)
kiss

and c.) it is almost summer. period.
summer

this is the first day of my life

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i’m glad i didn’t die before i met you

in and out.

My office and my house can never be clean simultaneously. I have no idea why this is, but it drives me mad.
Right now, my office is pristine. I am caught up and organized (possibly the first time since before my wedding) and I even got around to hanging up those pictures of John and I from a year and a half ago.
Reminding me that I need some updated pictures… But first things first!
Now about my house… (Please insert frightened shudder here)….
My bed is not made. There are clothes all over the floor. Dishes in the sink. Cat hair on the floor. And so much dust I’m ashamed.
I know my messiness bothers John, but he’s sweet and will do the laundry without telling me, and especially without me having to ask. He’ll load the dishwasher and won’t forget to turn it on. He’ll straighten all of my piles of unidentified magazines and pieces of mail that I insist on keeping until I can go through them. And he’ll hint at what he wants me to do by saying “I’m going to try to clean the house tonight…” as we’re eating our rushed breakfast in the morning. Although maybe he’s not really hinting, and maybe he actually is planning on cleaning, with – or without – my help. Anyways, I have a lovely husband. And I often forget to thank him or tell him the things I appreciate about him, or that he does for me.
I also have a problem of playing stupid, feminine mind games with him. If something upsets me, I wallow in it.
As much as I try not to let it, it consumes me. And I will stay that way for at least a little while. Meanwhile, I’ll come up with the most perfect conversation in my head – as to what John will come in and say to me to make me feel better. When he doesn’t produce the said dialogue and instead decides to improvise (without even knowing the given lines, mind you), I get even more upset. I realize this is not fair and yet I can’t stop thinking about how silly boys are not to pick up on this! Even after a year and a half! Oh well. I have a feeling that this is one of the main causes of lesbianism… Although I am way too attracted to the male physique to ever weigh that option. And I love my husband too much. So that just wouldn’t work.
I am constantly amazed at the differences between men and women. Constantly.
And despite our best efforts, men will never be women. Thank goodness, really.
And at the end of the day, when I want a back rub or someone to play with my hair… or to talk about nothing for an hour before I fall asleep. Or to kiss just for the sake of kissing (okay, this is a rare one – even for me)… and I look over at John, who has fallen asleep after about 2.5 seconds of his head being on the pillow… I am perplexed all over again… And I realize I will never – ever – understand silly boys.
And they will probably never understand us needy girls.

you gotta let it go, girl.

why in the world do i always feel the need to be creative when i’m stuck in a cube of an office for seven more hours?!

i have been etsy-ing and discovering some of the most inspiring people who thought to use feathers on headbands and lace and velvet on slips so that they can show from under your skirts and hand stamped dog and cat id tags that are actually works of art!
it makes me want to go to jo-ann’s fabrics and buy everything from lace to buttons to fabric to elastic to yellow thread and a sewing machine!
someone please come be creative with me so we can quit our jobs and make it big enough to love what we do (while making it worthwhile) :]

in other latest thoughts of yours truly… i have been thinking so much lately about the concept of marriage.
it’s something all of us see and hear and maybe even talk about every day, but before i got married i never knew that people were speaking the ultimate truth when they said marriage is a lot of work.
every. single. day.
this past weekend i admitted to myself as well as to my husband that i am not good about talking to him first (or anyone at all, really) when i’m going through something especially difficult (in regards to my marriage, mostly). sometimes i’m left to my own demise and fuel the thoughts that i am so alone and without hope.
which is absolutely not true.
sometimes john looks at me while i’m talking to him with a sadness that encompasses every form of the thought “how do you still not know that i am always here for you every moment of every single day?”
and it makes me feel so foolish, and selfish. that i could even for one second think that nobody could understand and that “i just love so much more than anyone else…”
sometimes i’m amazed at how full of bullshit i constantly am.
does anyone else ever feel this way?

i found this and was strikingly convicted by such a cute little cartoon:
let-go-of-what-you-think

it’s true though… who am i to think that everything i think or even what i feel is right or justifiable.
i also felt bad for thinking of someone other than myself first when seeing this cartoon, but that’s more of an issue i’m going to have to tackle in a later post. ha.

john and i talked a lot about thought patterns yesterday. or was it “mapping”, i can’t remember. he knows a whole lot more about psychology than i probably ever will, even though it’s interesting to me.
we talked about how people get into habits of thinking or responding to thoughts in a certain way even if that way is harmful or even detrimental. but how do you stop?

the fact of the matter is (actually i’m just jumping topics in my mind, so this isn’t the fact of any matter, actually)… it’s going to be a pretty day. and i’m wearing my kelly green thrift store sweater that i think i’m in love with (sorry, baby…) and i feel like i’m going to be okay. and i know that i’m loved oh so much… and i know that i’m not alone, even though i have a major problem of feeling like i am. and i’m looking at this website right now, and for those of you who know me, know that this could do nothing other than put me in a lovely frame of mind/mood/whatever.
and hey, for real, who wants to be creative with me? :]

bravo charlie

I feel like singing sad songs all night
I feel like tuning you out
do you want to make it in to more of a fight
is this yelling what love’s all about?

so go on, and tear me apart
yeah just go on in straight for my chest
and maybe it’s mostly my fault
’cause if I’m the only girl you ever had
I guess I can’t be the best
can’t be the best

and I feel like falling asleep while you scream
I feel like tuning you out
do you want to stand up and make a big scene?
put the lid down, pick up the dog shit, and shut your mouth

so go on, and tear me apart
yeah just go on in straight for my chest
and maybe it’s mostly my fault
’cause if I’m the only girl you ever had
I guess I can’t be the best
can’t be the best

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