the trees are skeletons

cold days

colder nights

the wind is whistling louder than before… i listen

my heart is still heavy

i am always cold

the trees are skeletons and i smile at the irony of my similar heart:
bones of protection around something somehow still beating…

pushing me onward to something

anything

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monday, monday…

i would have to say that the mamas and the papas seemed to think monday was a better day than i seem to think it is. or perhaps they only thought it was an interesting song title/topic? who knows…
but yes – it’s monday again. thankfully today has gone by fairly quickly in comparison to some of my more recent week beginnings.
i’m finally starting to get busy with photo shoots… this weekend will be my very first weekend doing a shoot saturday and sunday. i’m excited.
i also have a couple more weddings booked which is always promising.
maybe one day i’ll actually get to do what i love for a living ;)

john starts school next monday. i couldn’t be more proud of him.
we’ve both known for a long time that the time to go back to school is now – before more debt or, perhaps more exciting, before baby halsey’s begin to surface (what a creepy visual…)
so maybe john will have a degree under his belt (creepy visual #2) before those big life changes start happening.
it’s also quite nice to see him so excited about something other than me
(yay for the most creepy visuals in one blog post!)
but in all seriousness – he’s going to do wonderfully and i can’t wait to see where he decides to let education and job opportunities take him.
he and some other cool kids have also started a pretty kick ass band and they’re planning on having a show sometime in september (details to come on that later) but i’m pretty sure greenville is in for a treat.
i should have titled this post “let me brag about my husband” but alas, i had no idea that was going to be my topic of conversation.
i’ve just been thinking a lot today about how amazing it is to know that you’re with the person you’re supposed to be with. even if both of you dated a million other people – you know that nothing compares to what you have, because if it did – you wouldn’t be together.
i think i’m beginning to realize that more and more and more.
it gives me a nice, peaceful, calming sense to focus on.
i think that anyone who is in love can testify that there is nothing like it
and even if you thought you loved before – when you’re with the person you’re going to spend the rest of your life with, every other relationship feels like a grossly long game of make believe – hoping beyond hope that it might possibly turn into the “real thing”.
i love that john and i both look back on past relationships wishing only that we could have known what was lying ahead. i think we both would have been more than happy to never even have gone on a date before septemeber of 2007.
we’re coming up on a year of marriage – and although marriage is hard and at times painful – there is nothing more rewarding than being married to your best friend :)

on another note – only two weeks until the grandest of grand family vacations.
i can’t wait to have ten whole days of nothing besides john time, family time, and perhaps most exciting: sister time.
i miss my sisters more than anything else in this world.
i’m so glad that on top of having gorgeous kids – my parents did a phenomenal job raising their children to be the best of friends.

i need more lunch dates with old friends… more coffee dates before work with kindred spirits… and definitely more summer evenings with my love.
i am in love with life right now. maybe for the first time in a long while.
i have friends, i have love, and life is always full of surprises.
i can’t wait for the next one.
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i’ll title it…

i was sitting at the front desk when i realized i had left my phone in the car.
i had one minute before i had to be signed in and turn the phones off from their night mode
eh… not enough time….
i can’t believe i actually got to work before 8:00. i felt so grownup.

i made it to my desk and returned emails and phone calls for what felt like an eternity
oh… that only took  five minutes…
i delivered a couple of boxes to the billing department and came back upstairs
to grab my keys and head down to my car via the service elevator.
i hit the G button a little too hard and tapped my foot impatiently as the elevator descended
dying in an elevator would be the worst thing ever…
why am i always thinking about dying?

i headed to my car and cursed the sun for already being so hot… i thought about how much prettier i look in the sunlight especially from the right angle as i unlocked my car.
and that’s when i realized it.

i narrate my life.
constantly.
always.
my brain is endlessly writing a novel, and i’ve never noticed it until now.
my thoughts about myself are often thought in third party form…  do other people do this, too?
maybe i should just start carrying around a notebook and pen.
maybe i’ll write a bestseller.
it will be about taking pictures and blogging and getting married young and always wanting to live far away.
and people will judge me for complaining so much
but they’ll be wrapped up in how it’s going to end

i know i am

new.

i know it’s monday, but today feels especially slow and methodical.
i just want to go outside and walk around… and pretend like i live in a big city where i don’t know anyone and they don’t know a thing about me, either.
i want new friends, a new job, and a new hair color.
i want new habits and new hobbies and no pets.
i want a studio apartment with no strings attached.
i want to drink coffee or vodka all day long and paint and write and work in a book or a record store.
i want to wear my glasses and no makeup and scarves and hats even in the summer. i want people to wonder who i am and i want boys to ask for my number only i’ll always say “i don’t think my husband would appreciate that” with a little grin and they’ll watch me walk away
and wonder why they hadn’t met me earlier.

i think in a way everybody wants this. maybe a few different details here and there, but the the same thing overall.
everyone wants to run away from their past.
or someone else’s past.
everyone wants to start over… in a big city where everything is new and nobody has an accent, including you.
everyone wants to sell everything they own and simplify, only no one really knows how they would survive without “stuff”.

i’m tired of being so tired. i’m sick of being homesick.
i don’t really want new friends, because i love my friends…
i guess i just want a new me. a better me. a happier me. a “moved on” me.
yes, that is what i want… 
and i still want everything to feel the same between us…
from in the beginning.

all these thoughts because of this from here:
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