shopping!

my favorite new place for Christmas shopping. I’m such a sucker for good things on Etsy. Check it out here.

thankful…

Things I’m thankful for (in no particular order):

Eyesight
My super sweet husband
Running water
Grace
The ability to love
Jesus and the sacrifice he made for me
Friendship
A house with a roof and walls and a fridge and a yard, etc.
Heat in the winter
AC in the summer
Blankets
Puppy dogs
Food and the availibilty of it
Makeup
Hot showers
My job
Photographs
The internet
Family
Sweet neighbors
A working car
Speech
Music
Honey roasted bbq sauce at Chick-Fil-A
The beach
Babies
Springtime
Mercy
Dove chocolate
Possibilities
Hope
Golden sunshine
Sunsets
Driving with the windows down
My husband’s laugh
Joy
Prayer
Going on walks
Humor
Hand sanitizer
Iphones
Steak
Parenthood
Candles
Dancing
Clean/fresh air
Christmas trees
Birthdays
Hand written notes
Long necklaces
Chapstick
Boots
Diet dr. pepper
Flowers
Colors
And everything in between…

2011

I am looking at my calendar and am shocked that we are in the last month of 2011. Where in the world did my year go?? I feel like I’ve been robbed and left with one hand full of… nothing. Absolutely nothing.

And the other hand, hidden behind my back, is filled with a million experiences and failures and shortcomings and… hope.

There’s a lot of hope left in there.

This year has been the year for challenges.

2011 was the year I took time off work. It was the year I learned more about myself than I ever thought humanly possible. It was the year my best friend and I celebrated three years of marriage.

It’s been the year of tears and heartache… of bad decisions and a whole lot of grace. Scratch that. Make that “more grace than I could ever put in to words”.

The year of learning what it means to love – and be loved.

2011 will forever be etched in my heart as “the year” for many reasons.

Most importantly, 2011 was the year that John and I realized how empty life without Jesus is. We made a whole lot of mistakes that ended up forcing us to our knees in hopelessness… only to discover that there and only there – on our knees and begging for Truth – is true hope found.

We are far from where we want to be… but this journey has begun and we are excited.

 

I am going to try to be better about blogging this year. Mostly so that I can comment on my big sister’s baby blog over here… but also because I believe writing is excellent therapy.

 

So here’s to our last month of 2011 – I can’t wait to see what’s in store.

the trees are skeletons

cold days

colder nights

the wind is whistling louder than before… i listen

my heart is still heavy

i am always cold

the trees are skeletons and i smile at the irony of my similar heart:
bones of protection around something somehow still beating…

pushing me onward to something

anything

september first.

I sat at work today and thought of how I never write for myself anymore…

I never photograph anything other than “work”.
I never read.
never.
I never look up my favorite movies and write down the quotes I loved the most so that I won’t ever forget them.
see? I’ve already forgotten them.
I used to do things like that.
I don’t think I have anything left to say… I’ve become so…
usual.
I hate that feeling.
I miss feeling inspired.
I miss looking forward to the future.
I miss feeling like I had something worth saying.

have you ever seen something so beautiful it made your stomach churn?
I have…
I think I stopped looking for those things.
I left them somewhere between here and there along with my passion and thirst for absurd originality.
wait – I still have that thirst – it’s simply turning so subtle, it’s like a dull toothache these days.
I hate toothaches.

nostalgic.

Everything feels bitter-sweet.
After two and a half years… I am leaving Greenville, South Carolina and moving back home to New Hampshire.
I am thrilled about the opportunities that lie ahead for both John and myself… professional-wise, personal-wise, and business-wise. Things have fallen into place almost effortlessly and after countless prayers and long discussions about life and plans – we couldn’t be happier. Well. I guess we would be happier if we weren’t leaving behind so many fabulous friends and faces and memories.

In the past two and a half years… I have fallen in love and married my best friend:

I met and made amazing, unbelievable friends that I hope will last forever:



I started a business and have watched it flourish in a blessed way:

I became a “mom”:

I have lived on my own (with my sweet hubby) in many different places.
I am sad to think that after this weekend, I will never walk up these front steps again…

I won’t get to experience this goodness on a weekly basis (although I’m sure my pants will thanks me):

To think that my lovely little living room has gone from this –

to this –

kind of makes me want to cry…

But above all – I hope that each of you knows how much you have meant to me over these past years. You will always have a place to stay up north :)

And so I shall go back to packing….

thievery.

Isaiah 48:10

Do you ever think about life? About your lungs filling up with air and then letting it back out… in and out… in and out?
Do you ever think about how you see things in a way that no one else ever will?
I do.

Sometimes I try to be very still so that I can listen to the air. Whenever we are quiet enough – something is always being said.

I am not quiet often enough.

Do you ever think about your heart? About the way it aches and sinks and hurts?
Or what about the way it fills up with happiness, joy, and love?

I do.

Sometimes I think about my heart and I am overwhelmed. I have so much in there.
So much love and excitement… and so much hurt and ache.

Do you ever think about people? The way each one of us is unique and annoying and wonderful, all at the same time?
I do.

I think about you and you and you… I think about co-workers, friends, family, and the person driving in the car next to mine.
What goes on in their heart (and I mean what really goes on)?

My mind is a constant whirlwind of ideas and desires and hateful thoughts.
I am discontent more often than thankful for all that I have.
I guess because I am aware of this I better change it. Or rather, ask that it be changed.

Change.

I have a to-do list for my mind.
love more. hate less. be thankful. be hopeful. work hard. help people. encourage.

Or maybe that’s a to-do list for my heart.

Either way, I am small and broken and need a lot of help.
Help that doesn’t come from medicine or a giant band-aid.

I need help in the form of strength that isn’t my own.
I want to immerse myself in prayers and love and thanksgiving to my God – the only one who knows what is really in my heart and mind.
And somehow loves me anyways.

I feel so small and insignificant when I think about life and hearts and people.
I am such a small speck in this giant piece of artwork that God is constantly making more beautiful.

And then when I think about what I am capable of changing – only myself – I feel like a much bigger speck.
My refining will never even be close to finished.

But I continue to hope and love and pray that one day – maybe – I will look in the mirror and be proud of who I am and who I am becoming.
And I will look at you – and love.

But now we’ll never know…

Maybe I would have been
Something you’d be good at
Maybe you would have been
Something I’d be good at

cough cough hack cough

i am home sick.
i hate taking sick days – i would so much rather save them up and spend three solid weeks on an island somewhere.
oh well. i suppose there’s always next year.
i went to the doctor all by myself this morning and i have to admit – i’m pretty proud of that.
whoo! one step closer to being a real adult!

i’m tired but can’t sleep. i feel like i go so long without writing and then – out of nowhere – i want to write every thought that is in my head down at once. my mind goes a million miles a second and i can’t figure out where to begin.

{btw – i would kill my friends if they nominated me to be on what not to wear – stacy is a bitch!}

i can’t believe it is 2010. i feel like this is going to be a major year. i don’t know why. 2010 just sounds so epic ;)

i miss my husband today. i like snuggling with him when i don’t feel well. he is always warm and smells so good. i need to be better about telling him how meaningless my life would be without him.
he really is my best friend and the other half of my heart.

do you ever start thinking about the people you love and you feel overwhelmed? love makes me ache sometimes. like in a dull, slow, intense way. i think you know how much you love someone by thinking about how you would feel if they didn’t love you back. if you know you would still love them in an ache-y kind of way – it’s probably for real.

i want more real love in my life.